It would indeed be strange if this election ended up being decided by a block of ice in a Channel 4 studio. Anything is possible in this contest of bids and counter bids by the two main UK parties.
‘10,000 extra police is my promise.’
‘I’ll match you and raise you 50,000 nurses.’
‘Think that’s fantastic? What about 10,000 police, 50,000 nurses, 20 million trees.’
‘Ah, but here’s the clincher’ As it’s almost Christmas all of our trees will contain a free partridge. You’ve been trumped!’
We live in Annandale, which, as we have to remind our former MP David Mundell so often, is actually part of Scotland and not some vague, indistinct borderlands neither in one country or another. Nurses, police and the environment, and indeed trees are all part of devolved powers and therefore whatever promises are made to be broken after 13th December, they are not relevant to us. Not sure you heard that BBC – they are not relevant to us here in Scotland.
Wow! Conservative manifesto says they will abolish car parking charges in hospitals. Only they do say in the small print this will only be for night staff! Well, Mr Johnson, in case you don’t know, you actually have never needed your small change to visit the new hospital in Dumfries even if you are simply a patient or visitor during daylight hours.
And so we come on to Mr Johnson’s aspiring representative in Annandale, the former MP David Mundell. David has a lot of money behind him and he is spending it very wisely on keeping the wheelie bins from Moffat to Annan well filled. Of course there is reference to Indyref2 in that subtle way of presenting a message to us, the gullible electorate,that is in all his literature. But if we read his latest leaflet then David has a plan. It’s called MY PLAN FOR DUMFRIESSHIRE CLYDESDALE AND TWEEDDALE. As we in Annandale live within the boundaries of this constituency with one of the longest names imaginable, then we have to know what David has planned for us, if elected. There is some proviso of course, to David’s plan in that he has really no control over it and, as he has always slavishly followed what his masters in London decide, then my plan will always be Downing Street’s plan anyway.
There are six points to David’s plan as spelled out in the leaflet. It’s worth pausing on David’s first point – To stand firm against IndyRef2. Well, maybe its not worth pausing after all so let’s move on. Let’s pause on the 2nd point. Well, maybe not again because David’s view is that getting Brexit sorted is next. This from the man who previously said Brexit would be disastrous for Scotland.
To be fair some of the next points are reasonable – support jobs, deliver the borderlands deal ( there may be a few others involved in this, David, both in England and Scotland). Next, fight for improved communication links (fighting is really not your style), and also support measures to tackle climate change. As a continuing high- visibility opponent of renewable energy through wind turbines this will require a sudden change of direction for Mr Mundell. It is just as well he is well practised at the art of changing direction and then denying he did so. Finally he commits to supporting the major climate change conference being hosted by the UK Government (his words) next year in Scotland. This is, of course, the same event in Glasgow where Boris Johnson has already said he will keep Nicola Sturgeon and the Saltires away from. So David’s cunning plan already emerging is to grab all the progress being made by the Scottish Government on climate change measures and plant a Union flag on it when the world’s eyes are on Glasgow.
This completes David Mundell’s plan for us. We, the electorate of Dumfriesshire Clydesdale and Tweeddale, now have to decide on its merits. Oh, wait a minute! Here’s another Mundell leaflet just arrived. Stop ice melting by taking Channel 4’s license away! Now there’s a real vote winner. (another joke!)